here's a good story for ya...

I think that I endure more than my fair share of embarassing moments. I'm not super coordinated, and there are also times when I'm distracted to the point of, well, distraction. At times such as these I often fall victim to certain circumstances that are humiliating or weird or just downright pathetic.

This is sort of one of those times.

Although I will not take responsibility for the events I'm about to recount. I've given the matter considerable thought, and I've figured out the possible parties to blame. Those being: a) the people in charge of road construction or b) my children, who permanently maimed my body. I'll tell the story and you can be the judge.

This occurred two weekends ago when the whole family was returning from San Antonio. Sterling had driven part of the way, but about 90 miles out we switched. The entire car was asleep, and I was driving peacefully along. Serious, there was peace in the car. I was almost to Katy, a suburb of Houston and the point where I would exit the freeway and make my way to Cypress. I kind of needed to stop for the ladies' room, but I figured I'd do that once I exited. I'm about two miles from my exit when the traffic stops. Dead. No cars are moving. Curious.

Is it a wreck? Construction? WHAT UP???

Everyone keeps sleeping and I keep waiting. Sometimes we inch forward. Most of the time we don't. What I have figured out is that the closest exit is one mile away. Also, we are on an overpass, so we are up high. Also, I still need to use the ladies' room.

We sit in the car for an HOUR. By this time everyone is awake. Sterling and I have switched positions and he is driving, and I am nervously wondering what I'm going to do about the ladies' room situation. Here's where the problem might be my children's fault: Four pregnancies ruined my bladder. Like decimated it. Forever.

The line isn't moving but nature is calling something fierce. I can't predict how much longer we will be trapped. I'm talking myself down off a ledge. I'm doing some recovery breathing.

Nope. Not helping.

So I do what any logical person would do. I exited the vehicle. Walked myself down the overpass, marched across the on ramp, and then ran like heck across the feeder (what you northerners might call an access road). Then I scaled a small ditch and walked straight into a Denny's like I didn't have a care in the world. I used their facilities and then parked myself on a comfy bench in the lobby area and intended on waiting for Sterling to swing around and pick me back up.

However. By looking out the window I could see that there wouldn't be any way to quickly swing around. By now the feeder road was backed up as far as I could see. He was still on the freeway (remember, only one mile to the exit). I figured it could take over an hour to make it back to Denny's. I called Sterling to consult.

So ... that's how I came to be huffing and puffing along Interstate 10 in 100 degree weather at 5:30 in the afternoon. I had to catch up to them and intercept them when they exited the freeway. I had my capris on and my American Eagle flip flops and my Fossil purse strapped across my chest, and I'm hauling it down the field that runs along the feeder ... like some soccer mom on a drug selling expedition. I can't speak for all American cities, but people in Houston don't walk along the freeways. There really isn't a space for pedestrians. And it's dangerous. And it's hot.

Anyway, Sterling told me he was behind a big orange semi truck. Once I spotted the truck I started running. Except those flip flops were less than cooperative. And as soon as I'd get close, the line would move and they'd jump up another 300 feet or so. It was bad. And I was sweating. And I was worried that the tide of traffic would carry Sterling further and further away.

Luckily, he was able to pull into an empty turn lane on the right hand side of the road. I flip-flopped up the access rode and jumped in. The kids were staring at me with these bemused but scared looks on their faces...cuz I'm sure every teenager wants to see her 40-year old mother running like a crazy woman down the freeway. I know I would. So then I had to be all cheery and able to laugh at myself because I didn't want to scar my children. But I really wanted to lay out a string of curse words or cry or suck my thumb.

Then we drove home and I thought about how that astronaut woman had the right idea with her adult diapers. Gross...but practical.

Comments

[Em]

Oh my gosh. I just about died laughing at this post.

[rebecca ellis]

When you gotta go, you gotta go!!!! Sounds like a creative solution to me.

[Aunt Mary]

The biggest nightmare in this tale is the flip flop footage. I was expecting the little deal between you toes to break. You really got lucky in this expedition. By the way, I'm still laughing.

[Belstaff Outlet Store]

He is a good friend that speaks well of us behind our backs.