quiet despair

I'm going to tell you something you probably already know.

I'm not naturally skinny.

Meaning, I'm not skinny...and when I am, it's not natural. And by natural, I'm, of course, referring to my deep affection for sugar and my body's inability to process said sugar without applying it directly to my thighs.

I know a few people who are naturally skinny (I'm talking adults here people). They eat WHATEVER they please and are thin as rails. To those people I say, "I don't hate you. But I kind of do." But I'm not one of those people (sadly). I've come to terms with this immense disappointment.

Every so often, I get a hold of myself and decide to stop with the eating everything in sight. I don't want to, but sometimes such action becomes necessary because I catch a vision of myself while passing a mirror and I gasp in horror.

Then I'm really good for a while and I drop five or ten pounds. Then I deem myself acceptable again and gradually go back to eating everything in sight. Some of you might think this process ridiculous. Me? It's just my own personal set of checks and balances. Also, I'm just glad I haven't totally given up...because that thought has crossed my mind more than once. But no. Not giving up.

Of course, with renewed vigilance regarding my diet, I recommit myself to the running. I like to run. I hate the way it makes me feel while I'm actually running, but I like ALL of the other parts. Also, the running helps with the eating everything is sight part of my life.

But...getting to my point...I always forget about how going off of sugar leaves me with the feeling of quiet desperation. I'm not talking about a psychological depression because I can't have doughnuts (like who wouldn't be mildly despressed about that?). I'm talking about my body's actual physiological response to low sugar and fewer calories. I can feel it in my blood...in almost every cell of my body. It's like a quiet hum. I don't feel quite right. I feel tired and disappointed and downright glum. It's not an all-encompassing, cry-your-eyes-out depression. It's what I call quiet despair.

The car needs to go in the shop?

Quiet despair.

The DVR didn't record my show?

Quiet despair.

I won the lottery.

Quiet despair.

I do know that it takes my body approximately 7-10 days to move out of despair mode. I just have this one question...

If sugar is so bad, why does it make me so happy?

P.S. I know all about sugar. Just go with me on this.

 

 

Comments

[Debbie]

FYI. After our husbands die and we move in together, I'm giving up.

[Tracy Meier]

I feel the pain. Life isn't fair. Should we go to lunch.